I Built a Successful Life. So Why Did I Feel So Empty?
- Matt Devine
- Aug 4
- 4 min read
The truth about depression, midlife and the grey monster I still fight.
Some mornings, I feel it before my feet even touch the floor.
It is sitting on my chest—that familiar grey monster telling me, This is going to be one of those days.
If I leave it unchecked, it can derail the entire day. I become quiet, irritable and difficult to be around. Often, I seek solitude because I know I am not showing up as the husband, friend or person I want to be.
I am not sharing this because I have defeated depression.
I haven’t.
I am sharing it because, from the outside, you might never know I was fighting it.
Around the age of 40, depression collided with something else: a midlife transition.
From the outside, my life looked good. I had built a successful career, created a good life and achieved many of the things I once believed would make me happy.
But inside, something was missing.
I had built a good life, yet I was no longer sure I was truly living it.
This greyness didn’t arrive as a dramatic breakdown. It crept in slowly—like a storm cloud gradually blocking out the light.
I lost energy. Things that once excited me began to feel empty. I questioned my career, my relationships, my purpose and, eventually, myself.
At first, I hoped it would pass.
When it didn’t, I tried to fix it by changing the world around me. I changed jobs, chased new goals and searched for the next achievement. I kept rearranging the outside of my life, hoping it would silence what was happening inside me.
It didn’t.
Because changing the scenery doesn’t always change the person standing in it.
For the past 20 years—and with even greater intensity over the last three—I have been searching for answers. Not inspirational quotes or theories that sound impressive, but practical knowledge that can help me win the day more often than I lose it.
That search has taken me through psychology, neuroscience, philosophy, physical transformation, extreme endurance challenges and ancient contemplative wisdom.
I have cycled tens of thousands of kilometres across Canada. I have pushed my body and mind far beyond what I once believed possible. I walked away from a successful executive career and rebuilt my life around meaning, purpose and helping others.
And still, some mornings, the grey monster is waiting.
That may be the most honest thing I can tell you.
Transformation does not always mean the struggle disappears. Sometimes it means becoming better equipped to face it.
I may not control whether the greyness arrives, but I can influence what happens next.
I can recognize it sooner. I can question the meaning I am giving it. I can choose actions that move me forward instead of surrendering the entire day to it.
Over time, I have learned that the mind can be trained, just as the body can. We can become more aware of the patterns that pull us into darkness—and more skillful in how we respond.
But I am not going to sell you a quick fix.
If that is what you are looking for, social media is full of people ready to sell you one.
What I can tell you is that there are practices that can help us experience more peace, happiness and joy. Many have existed within contemplative traditions for more than 2,500 years. Modern neuroscience is now helping us better understand why they can be so powerful.
I suffer from depression.
Even now, I sometimes hate saying those words.
Part of me still hears them as an admission that I am weak or broken. But if I am unwilling to be honest with myself—and with all of you—how can I possibly hope to make a difference?
I don’t have all the answers. I am still learning, testing, struggling and growing.
But when I discover something that genuinely helps, I want to share it.
Why?
To help. It really is that simple.
For much of my life, I was intensely focused on myself—my goals, my performance and my next achievement. Selfishness can hide remarkably well behind ambition, especially in high performers.
As I enter this next chapter, I want my life to be about something more.
I want to make what I have learned accessible to people who may be fighting their own invisible battles. More importantly, I want them to know they do not have to make this journey alone.
On October 17, I will share more of my story during a deeply personal conversation with my good friend and mentor, Kushok. Together, we will explore how modern neuroscience and ancient contemplative wisdom can help us better understand our minds and work more skillfully with the struggles we carry.
It will be an honest conversation—not one built around easy answers or empty promises.
And it is only the beginning.
Our long-term vision is to create practical, accessible programming that can help people make meaningful and lasting changes in their lives.
I cannot promise that the grey monster will disappear.
Mine hasn’t.
But I am learning how to stop giving it control of the entire day.
And if you know this feeling too, perhaps we can learn how to face it together.
Join us on October 17. Follow the link below for event details and tickets.
At Heroes Unleashed, we explore the intersection of transformation, leadership, neuroscience, mindset, wellbeing, and sustainable performance — helping individuals and organizations create meaningful change that actually lasts.
You can contact us here for a free consultation: https://www.heroesunleashed.ca/contactus
Comments